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Dear Betabeauty:

 

YOU SMOKE, DRINK, NEVER EXERCISE, BOAST OF BEING CRABBY 3/4 OF THE TIME AND WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. WHY WOULD ANY FOOL, AS YOU WRITE, BE "SCARED OFF BY NOW"? WELL, BESIDES THE BILLBOARD-LIKE PRESENTATION, I GOT A KICK OUT OF YOUR PROFILE. YOU PRETTY MUCH ADMITTED WHAT WE ALL KNOW: WE ALL BUY TOILET PAPER, CLIP OUR NAILS ON OCCASION, AND GO TOO FAST THROUGH THE E-Z PASS LANE. YOU'RE LIKE THE IVORY SOAP GIRL WITH SMOKE IN HER LUNGS AND BOOZE IN HER VEINS. AS A RECOVERED JUNKIE, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME AT THE GYM GETTING MY HIGH IN WHAT WE REFER TO AS A SOBER WAY, PUSHING MY ENDORPHIN LEVELS WAY UP TO NEAR LETHAL LEVELS ON THE ELLIPTICAL MACHINE, AND I SELDOM SEE WOMEN WHO ARE CLOSE TO HALF AS FIT AS YOU APPEAR TO BE. MAZEL TOV. HONESTLY, IF YOU DON'T MIND MY TOSSING IN A COUPLE OF PENNIES, YOU DON'T REALLY NEED A MAN. SURE, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WITH THAT KING-SIZED BED I CAN SLEEP IN AT VIRTUALLY ANY ANGLE UNDISTURBED, NOT HAVING TO ENGAGE IN EARLY MORNING CHIT-CHAT ABOUT DEFROSTING BONELESS CHICKEN BREASTS FOR SEVEN MINUTES PER POUND WITH A LOVED ONE, AND IMAGINING THAT SPECIOUS FEELING OF INTIMACY WITH ANOTHER A VERY SMALL PERCENTAGE OF THE TIME, WHEN MOST OF IT IS SPENT KEEPING CLEAR OF EACH OTHER LIKE A CAT UNDERFOOT. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU OR ANYBODY WANT TO CHANGE THAT? LISTEN, I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO THE SAME LEONARD COHEN TRACK ON REPEAT FOR AS LONG AS IT PLEASES ME, FOR AS LONG AS THE MUSIC MAKES ME HAPPY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SELF-SATISFACTION. THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL, FULFILLING, LIFE-GIVING THINGS YOU DO. YOU ARE NOT MERELY "BUSY" AS YOU DESCRIBED YOURSELF. "BUSY" PEOPLE ARE BUSY COUNTING PAPER CLIPS THEY'VE SPILLED ON THE FLOOR, MEASURING CUPS OF RICE, AND COUNTING CALORIES LIKE IT'S A SACRED BIRTHRIGHT. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE ENGAGED. LOOK AGAIN AT THAT PICTURE OF YOU WITH THAT VERY OLD WOMAN. SEE? THAT IS NOT BUSY. YOU'VE GOT A REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND REAL SMILE, AND, EXCEPT FOR THAT OMINOUS MAN-KILLING MANTA RAY IN THE PHOTO, YOU ARE THE KIND OF WOMAN MEN LIE THEIR PATHETIC ASSES OFF ABOUT DURING ENDLESS ROUNDS OF JOINT THERAPY OVER THAT THEY SAY THEY WANT TO BE WITH, INSTEAD OF THE DIMINUTIVE DOOR-MOUSE THEY'VE HOOKED UP WITH FOR A DOZEN YEARS OR MORE AND CAN'T STAND BECAUSE BY NOW SHE'S ALL BUT CRUSHED AND LIFELESS, BUT DON'T HAVE THE GUTS TO BE TAKEN OUT TO DINNER BY. IN MY BOOK, YOU ARE ALREADY ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT WINNERS.

 

Egbert

# 33

 

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